YOU’RE A GAY VS THE POOR MAN’S KDPR

South Korea looked better than I expected, energetic and not pathetically defensive, Uruguay looked brilliant against South Africa and lethargic against France, and I watched the France/S. Africa game, for the most part. But I still properly rate Uruguay, Forlan dictating play against S. Africa was one of my favourite performances of the tournament. He could do the same against a not great S. Korea side. Suarez is due another goal too. Comfortable, 2-0.

U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A vs DESAILLY

Probably my least anticipated of the round of 16, two nations that I don’t particularly rate. They both create a fair few chances, but miss so many of them, so the potential for a goalfest is there, I just don’t see it happening. It’ll probably be settled by a flukey goal, Ghana have probably been the luckiest side at the tournament so far, so I’ll have them to win 1-0.

IN-GER-LAND VS THE NAZIS

History, grudge matches, penalties, cliches.

Unsurprisingly, my most anticipated fixture, so big and with the actual potential to be a good game, two evenly matched teams, passion on either side. England haven’t really fired on full cylinders yet, Germany did, but then went backwards. I see England edging it, Rooney still needs to start going properly, Lampard is due a goal. 2-1 (AET).

CORNED BEEF UNITED VS BURRITO FC

Argentina have probably looked the best at the World Cup so far, and a meeting with Mexico really shouldn’t faze them, obviously Argentina have defensive issues, but can Mexico take advantage of that? It seems highly unlikely.

Messi is due a goal, Higuain will be dying to be back on the pitch after being rested. I see Argentina potential walking this one, they’re just too good for them. 3-0.

I know, I know, it’s all my own fault, I believed that things would be different. Forget looking through the squad list and seeing distinguished names like Robert Green, Jamie Carragher, Michael Carrick and Shawn Wright Phillips. This would be our year, an easy group to warm up for the real stuff. Four minutes into this easy group, Captain Fantastic ‘Self Defence’ Stevie has shrugged off his personal issues and fired us one up…

All must be rosy from here, we’ve got Capello instilling discipline, Rio’s out of the squad, ENGLAND’S NUMBER SIX is between the sticks, £30million man Milner is finally getting his chance to shine & Ledley is fit.

Ah, of course not. England’s number six has somehow found himself on the plane, and, bafflingly in the starting eleven. Letting in weaker shots than Flowers against Collymore, Milner’s hauled off before he’s sent off, as he can’t time a tackle or know how to just stand up and Ledley can only do half a match.

Hauling Milner off gave Capello a chance to go with the talented Joe Cole, but instead went with the speedy SWP, which I didn’t disagree with, as the US right back was attacking, and England were a goal up at the time. SWP is fitter and faster, good for tracking and hitting the counter. However, having two wingers who can’t cross a ball is probably an error of judegment,  the amount of times Lennon got down the right and knocked it back to no-one was brilliantly predictable. Despite him being the golden boy for the right midfield spot, he still can’t cross a ball.

The right midfield spot is a tough one, Walcott doesn’t deliver consistently enough (I’d start him though), Beckham is injured, SWP and Lennon can run, and that’s it. David Bentley has got a beautiful delivery but is too slow, there’s one player I always think of for the right midfield spot, and I don’t known why he’s not considered. Jermaine Pennant. I know, I know, Pennant is a dick, but, he can get past full backs, he’s fast and he’s got a great delivery. Why not?

Despite my obvious whinging, England weren’t that bad, they just weren’t very good, but could easily have won the match, if Heskey had the ability to score, or if Lennon could cross, or finish. At least Wazza didn’t get sent off.

Still, two winnable games left, top spot is still on!

Group A: France, Uruguay, Mexico South Africa

Despite the recent criticisms of France, and Domenech especially, I still see France topping this group, they’ve got strength across the pitch, Ribery and Gourcuff are capable of lighting up the tournament, and their back five is strong. I don’t see South Africa winning a game. I think second will be between Mexico/Uruguay, but I think Uruguay’s superior fire power will see them through.

Group B: Argentina, Greece, Nigeria, South Korea

Argentina are surely nailed on for top spot, Maradona might be a mental but he’s got Messi/Higuain/Tevez/Milito/di Maria/Cambiasso/Zanetti, no-one could mess that team up so much. I think (based on not knowing their players) South Korea could be the whipping boys here, Greece might be dull but they’re pretty solid and Nigeria have got decent forwards. Greece to squeeze into second, boring their way through.

No Zanetti and Cambiasso? Oh.. He is a mental.

Group C: England, USA, Slovenia, Algeria

England really couldn’t have asked for a better group, USA aren’t pushovers but they aren’t blessed with a huge amount of quality either. I don’t know much about Slovenia, but they edged Russia in the playoffs and finished second ahead of the Czech Republic, so they can’t be all bad, which, after seeing them a few times, can not be said for Algeria. I’m baffled they are there, a bit of spirit but really low on quality. I don’t see them getting a point.

Group D: Serbia, Germany, Australia, Ghana

Four relatively even teams, probably the most even group, and at one time arguments could be made for all topping the group, injuries have played a big part though. Germany missing their influential leader Ballack, Ghana losing Essien is a huge blow and Austrlia struggling to get Kewell and Cahill fit. All big losses. Serbia are very solid, with quality all over. With Germany looking a little toothless, Ghana lacking their true quality player and Australia being a little workman like, I see Serbia topping this with Germany coming in behind them.

Group E: Holland, Cameroon, Denmark, Japan

I see Holland getting nine here, Japan getting nil. So it’ll all come down to the middle game, between Denmark and Cameroon as to who progresses with the Dutch. I just think Samuel Eto’o will be such a big factor, he’ll surely relish being allowed to be the man again, not backing up Milito, leading his country and becoming the Milla of his generation, a big opportunity against a set of not so Great Danes.

Group F: Italy, Paraguay, Slovakia, New Zealand.

Nailed on top spot for Italy, surely? They might be old, but they are World Champions, they’ve still got good players and they’re in an easy group, Paraguay could potentially cause trouble, but Cardozo is missing for them. I still see Paraguay getting two wins in the other games to go through though. New Zealand will get nothing, and will be happy with it, any team with Rory Fallon up front should not be competing at the World Cup. I don’t know much about Slovakia, I know some of their players, but not a lot, for that I’ll put them third, they must beat New Zealand.

Group G: Brazil, Ivory Coast, Portugal, North Korea.

Seriously mental group. Three teams who’d fancy themselves as winners, and one that Kim Jong il has already named as World Cup winners. North Korea surely can’t get a point here, it could be embarrassing for them. The big game in this group should be the opening one in the group, as Portugal take on Ivory Coast, who are praying for Drogba to be fit enough to play. If Drogba plays, I think they will get second, if not, Portugal will. Crucial game, crucial player. Brazil to go through as winners, nine from nine, Kaka to be pulling the strings for Robinho and Fabiano, this could be his tournament.

Group H: Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras.

Spain are the most complete side in world football at the moment, I think they’ll win here, but could have their feathers ruffled a little by the dull Swiss, attacking Chileans and a physical Honduras side, led by Palacios of Spurs. I don’t know a lot about the three others here, Switzerland have always been dull so I’ll have them third, I do want to see more of Gokhan Inler though. For Chile, I seen a few of their World Cup qualifiers, and they seem attractive., pushing Brazil for top spot, so them in second and Honduras struggled to finish ahead of Costa Rica in the CONCACAF Qualifiers, they’ll find it tough here.

Chelsea

The Premier League is what I watch the most (most of my picks are Prem first) and Chelsea were the best team in the division. Players stepped up unexpectedly, and the players you expected to carried on as they do. Great season, great first year for Carlo.

Notables – Norwich, Barcelona, Inter.

Best ‘Keeper

Joe Hart.

Solid, consistent, kept his troops organised. That was good enough to be top in the league this year.

Notables – Gomes, Gordon, Lloris.

Defender of the Year

Ashley Cole

Serious improvement from him this year, with more freedom to attack and actual be consistent with his attacking play, rather than just looking like he should be good doing so. The best left back in the world.

Notables – Dawson/Pique/Ivanovic/Harte.

Midfield Man of the Year

Frank Lampard

I couldn’t really look anywhere else, he had a pretty slow (relatively) start to the season, but he really kicked up a notch in the second half of the season, becoming a real leader for Chelsea when the Terry/Bridge controversy was breaking. Incredible goal return too.

Notables – Fabregas/Adam/Xavi/Malouda/Cambiasso.

Goalscorer Extraordinaire Award

Lionel Messi

Just breathtaking at times, I tried to go PL first, but Messi was just mindblowing this year, 47 goals in 53 appearances doesn’t seem real in this day and age. Always playing in his own way, scoring beautiful goals. Just majestic.

Notables – Droggy, Rooney, Charlie Austin, Lambert, Pedro.

Surprise Package

Blackpool

There’s really no words to describe how well Holloway has done at Blackpool, to get this side promoted is a fantastic achievement, even if it does end in instant relegation. There was good seasons from Wolves and Birmingham, but I expected both to stay up anyway, Blackpool going up just captured the imagination, especially as it meant the other three playoff sides have another year striving for the Premier League.

Notables – Swindon, Dagenham & Redbridge, Birmingham, Spurs.

Woeful Underachievers

Liverpool

Wonderful, just wonderful. Ballsed up in the Premier League, out of the Champions League before Christmas and couldn’t even get to the Europa League final. Massively disappointing season for them, Benitez paid for it with his job. In a season of numerous highs, I can’t think of a more satisfying one than Lisandro Lopez scoring in the last minute to essentially put Liverpool out of the Champions League. Beautiful.

Notables – Southampton, Middlesbrough.

Goal of the Season

Arjen Robben (Bayern) vs Man Utd.

Largely due to personal satisfaction, but also, it was a wonder strike at the perfect time. High corner comes in, watched patiently by Robben who volleys beautifully into the bottom corner. Gorgeous.

Notables – Drogba vs Bolton, Pericard vs Norwich

Manager of the Season

Ian Holloway

How could it be anyone else? Obviously Mourinho doing the treble, Hill taking Rochdale up after years and ‘Arry getting Spurs in the Champions League finally are all worthy of winning accolades, but all of them were seen as possible at the start of the season, Blackpool being promoted wasn’t. I’ve never had much time for Holloway, always seemed sarcasm over substance, but I can’t downplay the job he’s done there. Brilliant.

Notables – Redknapp, Mourinho, Shteve Mclaren, Keith Hill.

Biggest Clustercunt of the Year

Michael Brown

Really frustrating as I used to enjoy watching him at Sheffield United, but since he stepped into the Premier League he’s just got dirtier and dirtier, this year being his worst. Every time I see him he’s stamping, pushing, just generally being a Mascherano without any of the talent.

Notables – Thierry Henry, Mascherano, Paul Scholes.

What Your Team Needs to do next season…

Carlisle United

Carry on as you are Greg really. Abbott came in for some serious stick in his first half season in charge, but after two third round cup exits, a Wembley appearance in the other cup and very comfortably clear of relegation he deserves another go at doing it his way. Try and play more attacking football, and deal with contracts sooner rather than later would be my main advice.

Also, try and get the fans onside with media appearances, the football alone isn’t doing it.

England. I really hate the fact that I believe this will happen so much, but I see no reason why not. I know Spain are a lot of people’s picks, and the bookies favourites, but I might be made to look silly, I just think if someone plays physically against them, they might falter. I don’t think there’s a properly special team at the tournament.

Letchkov’s Tip To Shock

I don’t think there’ll be a massive shock anywhere, but I’ll go with Cameroon to get to the Quarters.

Tip to Underachieve (formerly held by Spain)

Germany. A side that appear short on confidence and leadership, in a potentially tough group, I see them finishing second at a push, setting up an encounter with a confident England.

Muller Muller Top Scorer

Really really torn on this (I’ve bet on four players), but I’ll go with Wayne Rooney (who I didn’t bet on), a pretty easy group, and Rooney was on fire in the qualifiers, there’s no reason to think he’d falter.

Breakout Player of the Tournament

Milos Krasic is already an established player, but a good tournament coupled with a move to a real European force will cement him. He’s looked good in European matches, and I can see Serbia progressing to the Quarters, with him being important to them.

Player of the Tournament

If he does end top scorer, as I’ve said it’s got to be Wayne Rooney the crucial driving force for England, obviously there’s question marks over his temperament but he’s a big game player, and can warm up with a relatively straight forward group. I can see Kaka really dominating for Brazil, but as I don’t think they’ll win it, I don’t think he will win the individual award.

Team you hope Ballses it up the most

Pretty easy, France. So many shithead players and lead by a spastic manager. Them going out in the groups would be perfect.

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart, David James, Robert Green.

Defenders: Leighton Baines, Jamie Carragher, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, Ledley King, John Terry.

Midfielders: Gareth Barry,  Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Tom Huddlestone, Adam Johnson, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner,  Theo Walcott.

Forwards: Darren Bent, Peter Crouch, Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney.

Obviously all three goalies have to go, so, in total I’d drop Warnock, Dawson, Upson, Carrick, Parker, SWP and Defoe.

Warnock, Dawson and Parker have certainly not done enough for England to go, unfortunately for them, they have not had a chance to impress Capello in a game situation.

Wright Phillips, Carrick and Upson have all had poor seasons at club level, and none have shone internationally, despite having experience, all three seem in a rut, club moves could benefit them if they want to challenge for international honours again. Crucially for Huddlestone he can play at Centre Back as well as in midfield, lessening the need to take an extra Centre Back.

Defoe was a tough one, it was between him and Adam Johnson, as Heskey/Crouch offer direct football if needed, Bent is in much better form than Defoe, and Rooney is undroppable. Defoe hasn’t had a great season, despite his goals (the majority came in the first half of the season). I wouldn’t mind going with five strikers, but as Walcott can fill in up front, along with  Cole/Gerrard being able to play in the hole, I think it makes sense to drop Defoe.

Unfortunately I don’t think Capello will go the same way, I think he’ll take

Goalkeepers: Joe Hart, David James, Robert Green.

Defenders: Leighton Baines, Jamie Carragher, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, Ledley King, John Terry, Matthew Upson,

Midfielders: Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner,  Theo Walcott

Forwards: Peter Crouch, Jermain Defoe, Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney.

OUT – Warnock, Dawson, Bent, SWP, Parker, Huddlestone, A. Johnson.

I just think Capello will look at Defoe as more tried and tested in an England shirt than Bent, same for Carrick instead of Huddlestone. I think Capello will be torn between dropping Johnson or a defender, but I think he’ll take Upson/King instead of Johnson, in a similar vein to Sven taking Keown instead of Jansen, safety first.

The Best + Man Utd and Arsenal (Chelsea/Man Utd/Arsenal)

Manager – Carlo Ancelloti

Cech

Ivanovic Terry Vermaelen Cole

Valencia Lampard Fabregas Malouda

Drogba Rooney

No real thought needed for this one, I’m not hugely keen on Vermaelen, if he hadn’t scored a few, I don’t think he’d be so highly rated, but he’s been one of the best two from the top three, Terry’s not been as good as usual but still a step up above the majority. Ashley Cole is probably the best left back in the world nowadays and Ivanovic looks really solid.

I was really impressed with both Valencia and Malouda this year, I didn’t anticipate either stepping up really, but I love watching Valencia, he’s a throwback to wingers from the earlier Premiership years, like Ripley/Kanchelskis. Malouda has finally started performing, fair play to him. Cesc and Lamps have probably both had their best seasons yet, no brainers.

Rooney and Droggy pick themselves, incredible seasons for the pair.

Not Two Good (Spurs/Man City/Villa/Liverpool/Everton)

Manager – ‘Arry Redknapp

Gomes

Corluka Dawson King Baines

Milner Cahill Modric Bale

Torres Tevez

This was tougher. Gomes is possibly the most improved goalie in the Premiership, Reina’s still good, but I think Gomes was just a bit better.

Right back was a tough pick, I can’t think of anyone from these teams that has excelled, Johnson looked like he’d be good at the start of the season, but then realised he couldn’t defend and went back to being Glen Johnson. Corluka has been solid, not great going forward, but fine enough to back up play.

Dawson and King were easy enough picks, King didn’t play that much, but excelled when he did, and no-one else was incredible enough for me to re-consider. Dunne seems an obvious choice, but I don’t think he was that good, Villa have a solid base but nothing outstanding. Baines at left back was another easy one, he’s a crucial part of Everton’s team nowadays, going forward and defending.

Milner obviously hasn’t played on the right all season, but he’s still the best option there I did have De Jong in the middle, but opted for Cahill and Modric instead, I think they’d complement each other well, and De Jong was just solid, rarely anything more. Bale on the left was great for Spurs this year, especially against Arsenal/Chelsea when it got to squeaky bum time, he seems much more comfortable there than at left back. Really really good year for him.

Tevez and Torres again pick themselves, great years when they were playing for both. Defoe scored a fair few, but pretty much all were against rubbish sides. Saha done better than expected, but was nowhere near T&T.

I’ve Third Worse (Birmingham City, Stoke City, Fulham, Blackburn Rovers, Sunderland)

Manager – Alex McLeish

Hart

Carr Johnson Samba Givet

Bowyer Dunn N’Zonzi Etherington

Bent Jerome

Hart had a really solid year, probably the most consistent goalie in the Premiership, Gordon seems to have improved a lot this year too, but just wasn’t quite as good.

I genuinely can’t believe I’m having Steven Carr in a team of the year, but he’s been solid, reasonably intelligent and a leader for them, Roger Johnson has put in a great effort too, a great step up from Wycombe just a few years ago. Samba and Givet are probably in through a little bias from me, but I can’t think of anyone better at another position. I don’t think Shawcross is as good as when he first came in with Stoke, and I can’t think of a left back who has been as solid as Givet, at left back and centre half. Not a bad looking bloke either.

I was torn between Cana and N’Zonzi, they both had good first years, I guess Cana showed his importance when he wasn’t there, but I’ll stick with big Steve, an awful lot of potential. It was great to see Bowyer and Dunny getting back towards their bests again, I really hoped there might be an England call up for either on the back of it, if Huddlestone can get one, these two should be able to. Etherington was probably Stoke’s best player this season, another classic type of winger, get it on his left and deliver, over and over. A real pleasure to watch.

Benty was an absolute definite up front, what a season. Unfortunately for him it looks like he’ll miss out on the World Cup again though, you’ve got to wonder what he’s got to do.. Jerome seemed the best second striker, Zamora/Fuller/Kalinic were my other thoughts, but Jerome’s impressed me a lot, with his attitude/teamwork, plus, he’s actually scored goals, which I didn’t think he’d do at this level.

May The Fourth Be With Them (Bolton, Wolves, Wigan, West Ham, Burnley, Hull City, Portsmouth)

Manager – Mick McCarthy

Jaaskelainen

Melchiot Craddock Cahill Figueroa

Lee O’Hara Parker N’Zogbia

Doyle Fletcher

Picking a right back for this team was probably the most difficult pick, Melchiot was reasonably solid, and I like him, so I went with him, no-one shone that I can think of. Craddock was ridiculous, it’s Jody Craddock, he should be rubbish, but he marshalled his troops well, massive surprise from him. Cahill had another good year, nearly pushing for England honours until he had to miss games through injury. Figueroa was decent and scored from his own half, fair play.

A genuinely decent midfield, Lee was a real surprise for Bolton, not just a lightweight. Parker and O’Hara instilled real balls into their teams, when few others were, adding quality to the mix too. N’Zogbia had a great year, playing both sides and being effective linking with the forwards, probably earning a move to a bigger club. I wanted to include Wilshere too, but these four were good all year, Wilshere was only there a little while.

Doyle and Fletcher obviously didn’t trouble the top scorer charts, but I loved their all round game for both clubs, working tirelessly up front and being genuinely clever with it. I can’t see either player being at clubs at the bottom next season (well, obviously Fletcher went down, but I can see him at a higher placed club). Doyle has been linked with Arsenal, which seems too much, but Villa/Everton would be a good step up for either.

LINKS

Marcotti’s lot

James’ Teams

Any big agreements/disagreements? Quite interested to see who other people would pick..

I started playing Football Manager, again, naturally I went with Carlisle, as it’s the natural choice and I also have regrets about losing my old Carlisle game where I built a wonderful squad but never quite won the title before ballsing it off. Disgraceful.

Anyway, Carlisle!

I’m writing this at the end of my second season, which probably says enough about my first season. Hawley got injured with a broken leg and missed the majority of the season, leading to a mildly disappointing 10th place finish. Fine, when they asked me to bravely battle relegation, but a little below my own standards. Luckily, I didn’t spend much money, so had some left over year two (07/08).

I decided to strengthen up front, so brought in Darius Henderson and Joe Garner, for about £350,000. Garner had only been on loan the previous year, good business. The only other fee I paid was £70,000 for Anthony Gerrard, to cover RB/CB after selling Murphy/Livesey/Daniel Fox (who I’d bought the year before). On bosmans I got in Anthony Grant, Seyfo Soley in pre season followed by Darren Currie and Mamadou Seck during the season. Choutos and Lavecchia came in during January, on frees, I couldn’t scout either, but was offered both for free, so risked it. Both contributed.

I also brought in Jarman/Yeates/Coulson on loan, and all three played massive parts for me, Yeates joining at the end of the year on a free, after Spurs didn’t offer him a new deal.

Onto the season…

Had a bit of a wobbly first few months, bobbling between 5th and 11th, until February/March when I hit real form, winning six out of seven to make the last two games real squeaky bum time, jumping second with two to play, however, my players decided they’d be happier going through the playoffs and I lost the last two. Hmm. Drawn against Crewe, I drew 1-1 away and 0-0 at home, leading to a lovely penalty shoot out which obviously went to sudden death, luckily my boys have proper bollocks, we won 4-3. Good blokes.

Wolves were my Playoff Final opposition, and were coming off a 7-0 hammering of Swansea over two legs, brilliant. Spurs (my feeder club) helped preparations by refusing to let me renew the loan of Yeates, despite his deal ending before the final. Yid wankers. I had to play my fourth choice LWer due to injuries, luckily it made no difference, we won 2-0, the first being a controversial penalty. Brilliant.

Your boys took one hell of a beating!

In the FA Cup, I knocked out Swansea/Weymouth to get a 3rd round tie against Premier League Fulham, beating them 3-0 at Brunton, followed by putting out Barnet (up yours Bailey) and Blackpool, drawing me in the Quarters against Man City (PL) at Brunton, they went ahead through the second most famous Sturridge before we pulled one back to get a massive replay. Ultimately we lost 4-2 away, but it was a very good, profitable run.

I also won the JPT, amazingly, without any scares, somehow, ended up beating Swansea in the final. Up yours Trundle, Tate and Tosh. Triple T, triple twats.

So yeah, good season!

After making a £2.7million profit for the season, I’m expecting reasonable funds to build on this in the Championship. Hopefully get a few decent lads in for free, nothing much available it seems at the moment though..

Opens with  HBK/Taker promo about last night and it’s announced that tonight is HBK Farewell Night. Emotional.

Batista is first to come out, great LOSER and YOU TAPPED OUT chants. He bangs on about wanting a rematch when he can get a second between the fans chanting at him. Cena comes out to an actual pop, Cole remarks that he is a happy champion (I’m not sure what other types there are?) Cena cuts a good promo, offering Batista a rematch tonight, be he turns it down like a pussy, they have a brief brawl then..

Swagger sneaks in after Batista has left, knocks Cena over and demands a ref come out as he is cashing in his title shot, Cena recovers before the ref starts the fight, so Swagger cancels it. GREAT MOVE. Makes it unpredictable about when he will try to cash it in, I can see there being a mix up costing him his title shot though.

HBK MOMENT ONE.

The Rockers vs The Fabulous Rougeaus

Awesome, I used to love The Rogeaus, and old tag wrestling.

ADVERT

Old geezers come to the ring! ;

TED motherfucking DIBIASE

Pat Paterson, Rowdy Piper, Ricky Steamboat!, The King Lawler..

IRWIN R SCHYSTER

SLAUGHTER!

Plus, two old codgers I didn’t know. What a group though.

Two douchesbags from that Hot Tub movie came out and said they were hosting, and the main event would Cena and a mystery partner of his choice vs Swagger and Batista. Plus, the Hot Tub chaps will have a hot tub thing with some divas, thrilling. The Hot Tub guys just weren’t funny and the crowd realised it, brilliantly, no response.

Turns out the old guys are out to Limberjack a Christian/Dibiase JR match. Awesome.

ADVERT

Cole remarks that they’ve brought back 80s wrestlers because of the Hot Tub film,. IRS was a 90s wrestler, moron Cole. As was Slaughter, idiot Cole. Anyway, I really like Christian, I always have really, he’s funny and a good wrestler. Dibiase JR seems like he’ll be okay too. Both wrestlers end up outside, a BRAWL ensues between the old blokes, Dibiase JR gets distracted and Christian hits him with the Unprettier, which like The FU has a new name now too, the Killswitch, I think they said. Disgraceful.

Father and son stare down in the ring, JR pushes The Million Dollar Man. Kill him Ted! Dad looks like a sad bear, in the best way possible. I love Ted Dibiase.

EVERYBODY’S GOT A PRICE.

HBK MOMENT TWO

Michaels puts Jannety through Brutus’ Barbershop Window! AWESOME!

Fantastic moment, one I remember so vividly from growing up, and falling in love with Michaels.

HEENAN, MICHAELS. AMAZING. Chicks did me, I can’t help it.

ADVERT

I hate David Haye, what a smug wanker. Also, had that Homebase advert at Carlisle Train Station, amazing. Heenan, Carlisle and Michaels within five minutes of each other.

A pretty cool Mania week/media thing round up, it’s great seeing the kids so excited by wrestling really, it’s how it should be I guess. Reminds me of the 80s when I was first watching it.

More stuff from the Hot Tub chaps, Santino in an Italy footy shirt is the highlight, but he barely says anything. The Hot Tub dicks sit in a tub with some Divas (apparently). Meh. DULL and POINTLESS.

HHH comes out, now we’re talking, who needs women when you can have Trips and a mic? Comes out to chat about HBK, end of an era, mocks his mullet, references the Kliq.

HBK chant from the crowd, HHH is clearly getting emotional. PRO. As HHH prepares to tell Shawn something in front of the whole world, Sheamus attacks him with a pipe from behind (ooh-er), ruining the moment. A little. Whilst HHH is down, some geezer shouts ‘What were you going to tell him?!’ which was fantastic. Really loud HHH/Sheamus Sucks chant, great crowd tonight.

ADVERT

A woman heads out, well, turns out it’s women. A rematch of last nights clusterfuck match. Brilliant. I would rather be watching Babestation. Luckily the match lasts about five seconds, Guerrero’s team loses so she fronts up, before realising she’s on her own and running off. Pointless waste of ten seconds.

HBK MOMENT THREE

WRESTLEMANIA TEN. LADDER MATCH VS RAMON. YES.

What a match, innovative and just seemed unreal at the time. Showstopper is the absolute perfect tag for Michaels. So apt.

Hitman up next. Intriguing.

ADVERT

Apparently HBK/Taker photos have been loaded 10million times on WWE.com, that is properly mental.

HBK MOMENT FOUR

Best match ever. Ever. WRESTLEMANIA XII. IRON MAN vs Hart.

That entrance.

The match itself

Sudden Death! Perfect Ending!

Intense Emotional

Just the perfect wrestling match anyone could wish for. Two great wrestlers going at it for over an hour with the perfect outcome.

When it goes back to the arena, seen someone in a Bayern Munich shirt, amazing. COME ON BAYERN.

Bret Hart comes down, I thought he’d be done after Mania. He’s wearing a nice Owen/Bret tee, a nice Thank You Bret chant breaks out, lovely.

He starts out by congratulating HBK on his career, wishes him well. References that his mum, dad, Owen and Davey Boy are sending high fives from heaven, emotional. Massive and wonderful OWEN chant, Bret shows off his tee, really emotional moment. It’s mental to think how long it has been. Anyway,Bret says cheers and he’s off, when Miz and Show come and call him a pussy essentially for being in a 25 on 1 Handicap match against Big Vinny. Miz is great, saying he’s 1-0 at Mania, only 17 away from Taker and telling Bret not to laugh as the Miz is awesome.

The Miz and Bret front up after Miz calls Bret and his family overrated, now, then and always will be. Show warns Bret to just leave, but Dynasty (who?) come out and Miz/Show bottle it, for a bit, then decide to wrestle The Hart Dynasty.

ADVERT

I really do miss tag wrestling, it’s nothing like it was in the 80s/90s when wrestlers could be defined by who they tagged with, The Nasty Boys, LOD, The Rockers, Money Inc etc, not just tag with anybody like The Big Show/Kane. Pointless.

The Dynasty girl it turns out is Neidhart’s daughter, I prefer Jim. The Miz has a great wrestling look and charisma, very well suited. One of Dynasty get Miz in a SHARPSHOOTER OMG, but Show pulls him out the ring and they just walk off, getting counted out. Seems to be friction in the team. Bring back the Barber Shop.

HBK MOMENT FIVE

DEEEE GENERAAAAAATION X

Just a great roundup of HHH/HBK hijinx, featuring Vinnie, Shane-o and Slaughter! DX was so good, fresh, fun and innovative. Certainly not PG.

ADVERT

Another Hot Tub bit, blaah. Although, Darryl from The Office appeared on a video, as the other two had screwed him from being a Guest Host, so he did it from where he was, declaring the girls were both winners and the Hot Tub guys had to share the tub with Mark Henry in his trunks (what a sight). And, as it turns out, Hornswaggle who was hiding under the water, biting one of the Hot Tub geezers. Midgets are terrifying.

More banging on about Sheamus attacking Trips, dull.

Swagger comes out, carrying his briefcase with him everywhere, cuts a pretty dull promo, made good by the crowd giving him the ‘WHAT?!’ treatment. Fantastic work. Great crowd.

ANOTHER ADVERT

Batista comes out as it’s announced that Extreme Rules will be sponsored by KFC and the Double Down, that meat and no bun thing. I can’t believe that caught on, it’ll surely be UK bound soon. Fingers crossed.  More ‘You Tapped Out’ chants for Batista.

Cena comes out and announces his partner, Randy Orton, I didn’t really think of him for some reason. It’s weird really, I guess these are the big three stars of the post attitude era, all in the same match. Apparently Cena has now won NINE world titles. That’s ridiculous. The crowd chant RKO.

ANOTHER ADVERT

Okay tag match, classic double tag bring Orton and Swagger in, Orton goes to town and opens up, eventually RKOing Batista then the same for Swagger and pins him. Victory! Orton celebrates alone, quite sad that the new World Champion can’t get the ring to himself even after winning the title at Mania the day before.

HBK MOMENT SIX

MANIA 25, TAKER/HBK.

After my time, so I have no huge interest in this, other than Michaels being called Mr Wrestlemania, fantastically.

ANOTHER ADVERT

I still hate David Haye, and confused.com now too.

HBK comes out, bloke, legend, geezer, The Show Stopper. Massive HBK chant, Taker comes out and tilts his hat to Shawn before leaving again, nice touch.

‘Please Don’t G’ chant starts followed by a loud ‘THANK YOU SHAWN’, Michaels starts crying and says he needs to thank them as the ring was the only place he felt happy for a long time, and they were the only people who made him like himself and feel good.

He doesn’t want to thank people and miss names, but needs to thank Hunter for being his only friend when lots of people weren’t interested and didn’t like him, to thank Hunter for never leaving his side, that, in this business it’s tough to have true friendships, but that is what they’ve had for sixteen years.

Thanks the production staff, Cole, King and The Best, JR for making him seem better than he was. A red headed kid called Adam too, who does the promo videos, thanks him for making him look like a Superstar.

‘One More Match’ chant starts up, he mentions there will be career ending sceptics (a jibe at Flair, probably) but  doesn’t want to go back on his word for the fans or for Taker, for over twenty years he has been honest in the ring and wants to honour his word, says he does appreciate the chant but will do everything in his power to make sure he doesn’t come back. Another ‘Thank You Shawn’ chant starts up.

He’d like to thank Bret Hart too, for driving him crazy during the 90s and that Bret had every right to say whatever he did, he appreciates his friendship and his forgiveness.

Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He couldn’t work for anyone else after this Crazy Son of a Gun, and thanks Vince for having faith and making sure he made less mistakes than he did.

Thanks the fans again, a third ‘Thank You Shawn’ chant starts up, remarks that he spent more time with his fans than family in his adult life and says it without regret. Thanks them for the honour and privilege of being able to show off in front of them every night. Big HBK chant.

Finally thanks Jesus and his family. Tells his kids that Daddy is coming home. Remarks that the HBK, Shawn Michaels has left the building, drops his hat onto the mat and leaves up the aisle. Touching hands with fans on the way.

Once he gets to the top, he turns to face them. there are people in the crowd full on crying. Claps his fans, as HHH embraces him from behind, they hug, for a while. HHH holds up two glowsticks into an X and leaves them at Shawn’s feet, HHH leaves Shawn to soak it in.

Very classy exit, very emotional night.

I might be naive but I genuinely believe that is Michaels done. I hope he comes back in some capacity though, he’s too good to not have around.

It’s great that some of my favourite Michaels matches weren’t even mentioned, I’ll mention those at a later date, I’ll try to find them on youtube/torrents. I do now that there will never be another Shawn Michaels though, so versatile, charismatic and a fantastic wrestler, willing to put his body on the line time and time again. The one true Show Stopper.

10:30pm

Arwell reminded me Mania was on, was unsure whether to watch or not.

11:50pm

Finished burning GTA : San Andreas for the PS2. Failed. Decided to watch Mania to cheer me up.

12:00am

Decided to eat roast potatoes during Mania, went and chopped/par boiled/roasted, so missed most of the first fight, I gather it was Big Show/Miz against two other people. Big Show won with a punch. Awesome.

12:15ish

Orton/Dibiase/Rhodes TRIPLE THREAT.

After around ten minutes of The Single Dollar Man and Dusty Chode beating Orton, they decided to beat on each other. So Orton beat them up, and RKOed Rhodes. STREAM OUT. DOUBLE DDT (of some sort). Orton is the greatest, what a move. Orton looks like he’s about to rape Rhodes, then runs across the ring at him. STREAM OUT. WWE inform me to not try something at home, I do not know what, maybe streaming PPVs? I guess Orton won.

00:32

Vicki Guerrero. I don’t know who she is. Some women were with her, one sang Tina Turner. Intriguing. SANTINO! He was good when I watched RAW ages ago. Funny bloke. YOUNG ON MARRELLA action. MEAN GENE. A WOMAN.

00.35

Money In The Bank. I miss Lillian Garcia, I don’t recognise this woman. Kofi Kingston out first, I don’t think I know who he is. Looks alright. M.V.P next, I don’t know anything about him either. Or how many people are in this fight. Evan Bourne, douche name. Jack Swagger, another douche name. RATM though, awesome, it’s 1999. SHELTON BENJAMIN! Now we’re talking, real bloke. Bring back Team Angle! Apparently Benjamin has been in all of the MITB matches, I wonder if he’s ever won. Matt Hardy, douche. Dolph Ziggler, DOUCHE NAME. Apparently he’s sinister though. Drew McIntyre, I prefer Michael, myself. How many people are in this match? I want Benjamin to win. THE BIG RED MACHINE. Dr Isaac Yankem! This match is going to be rammed. I still want Benjamin to win. CHRISTIAN, of EDGE AND CHRISTIAN fame! I hope he still talks about flash photography! Good dude.
I think Christian is last out, I hope so, this is turning into a battle royal ladder match.
00.40
Match starts. King nicks my Battle Royal line.
00.41
Potatoes needs turned. ‘BRB’.
00.43
Potatoes turned, decided to do a chicken finger or two as well. Great late meal.
As I left to do potatoe turn, I heard someone talk about McIntyre sneaking in the back door. Gay, innit.
LADDER SANDWICH. Pretty cool spot. Awesome Moonsault by Bourne. Great little spot with three chasing it. Hardy gets a mitt on the case, Swagger chucks him off and falls himself. It’s so unusual hearing Benjamin regarded as a veteran, he was a rookie when I stopped properly watching it. I am old.
Ziggler climbing over Kane, pretty funny. Kane takes an age to push Zolph off the ladder though, looked quite sloppy.
Wow, pretty cool, Ladder Stilts by Kingston. Clever. McIntyre spots it and pushes him out of the ring though.
BALLS ON ROPE ACTION. Is McIntyre actually Scottish? Weird.
Hardy on Christian. Kane joins in. SEE YA KANE. Chrisitan on Hardy, it’s like the old TLC days, emotional, fantastic. OMG TWIST OF FATE from the TOP OF THE LADDER. Christian on Hardy. Up yours, Hardy.
Swagger pushes the case into Christian’s face. Swagger takes AGES to open it, but does. Alright ending, good match.
00.54
Break/cup of tea time, hope I don’t miss anything good.
00.55
Checked results before going. Orton did win.
01.04
Back. Stream dead. Reloaded.
HHH/Sheamus promo. Really good one actually, I really like Trips.
Match starting. Well, entrances started.
01.11
Match actually starts.
HHH Figure Four! Dullish start. Rope break.
01.13
STREAM DOWN
01.15
BACK.
01.18
STREAM DOWN, nothing happened whilst it was back anyway.
01.20
BACK
Also, roast potatoes/chicken finished. Awesome roast potatoes.
SHEAMUS BOOTS HHH IN THE HEAD.
1, 2, KICK OUT.
Awesome Spinebuster by HHH, solid power move.
HHH kicked in the head again. Down and Out! Sheamus comes and gets him, eventually.
POSSUM PLAYED! Trips fooled him, Pedigree! 1,2,3! TRIPS WINS.
01.23
Fight over. I liked it, despite the stream death. ChrisM and a Spurs fan off PT have sent me links, good lads.
01.25
Slim Jim advert, pretty cool. Shame I can’t stand Edge though. Needs to get back to Flash Photography.
01.26
Rey/Punk promo. What sort of wanker interrupts a Happy Birthday singalong? Screw you, Punk.
01.29
Punk comes to the ring.
Got a new stream thanks to PT, it has a password, must be reliable.
Is this Punk guy meant to be good? Everyone seems to be big him up, but he just seems like an irritant. I only watch RAW about once a month though, and big PPVs so I’m probably missing a lot. His RR thing was cool though.
01.32
Punk is finally done jabbering. Rey is coming down. HURRY UP, YOU AREN’T THE UNDERTAKER.
I thought this was only Hair vs Mask? Rey has to join up with Punk? Rey to win.
01.34
Match finally starts.
A kickout on one by Rey, I hope they bring this in, the Edge/Storm match had loads at SS 00 (I think) and was really exciting because of it, not everything needs to be a two count.
Back to two counts, from a cool reversal by Punk.
Good boot to the noggin by Punk. All Punk early on, he looks like a reasonably decent wrestler.
GTS time (apparently). I do not know what this is. Reversed, anyway.
FROG SPLASH by Rey! Missed. Gutted.
619! Screw you Punk! Pretty cool, Punk’s bird got in the way of Rey trying to do it first time, Punk’s big geezer got on the other side, Rey hurricanraned Punk into him (head to groin, hilarious), then 619ed him from there.
01.41
That was pretty good. I enjoyed Punk more than I thought, pleased Rey won, Punk is a chump.
01.42
HART/MCMAHON NEXT. YES!
PROMO, got to be awesome.
YOU DESERVE TO BE SCREWED, YES, VINNY, bloke.
Decent promo. God, I can’t wait for this. I genuinely never thought I’d see this.
01.46
Bret to the ring. Bigger popped deserved.
01.48
Vinny Mac en route. Bloke, geezer, Kiss My Ass!
Lumberjacks. HART LUMBERJACKS. EVERYONE IS SCREWING BRET.
No Anvil, Owen or Davey Boy in the Hart family, let down.
Bruce Hart is special ref.
I DO NOT ANTICIPATE VINCE GETTING SCREWED. NOT ONE BIT.
Bret on mic, oh my, it is a double cross! Who knew?!
CALLING A TRIPLE CROSS.
01.56
STREAM DOWN. Screw you, the internet.
01.58
New stream found, looks like it’ll be unreliable though.
Stream keeps lagging for about ten seconds at a time, good feed has gone offline. No justice.
Bret is beating on Vinnie, Vince went under the ring, no idea what actually happened.
02.01
Laggy, laggy, laggy.
Sharpshooter attempt! Vince got out of it, don’t know how. Bret then kicked Vince just above the groin, classic Bret.
02.03
New stream! Bret is sat in a chair! Chair to Vince’s back. BRET IS A MONSTER.
Three minutes of chair shots.
SHARPSHOOTER, VINCE TAPS.
Underwhelming.
02.06
That was underwhelming. Hmm. Also, someone on a feed said ‘alright Byron’, so, hello ‘Noochy’.
Dull fight though, obviously the laggy stream didn’t help, but it just felt like nothing.
Stream has gone, again.
02.09
Back to original stream. Attendance announced, 72,000ish. Mental how many they get really.
Edge promo. Eurgh. I hate Edge, Jericho on the other hand, great bloke. The Undisputed Champion of Champions!
02.18
Match finally starts. I do not care about this. Toilet break, I think.
02.33
Toilet break done. FIght still going, within twenty seconds of sitting down, Code Breaker! Y2J wins! Awesome, up yours, Edge.
Edge beating down on Jericho after the match. Is Edge meant to be a bad ass? He still just seems like a nerd.
SPEAR THROUGH THE BARRICADES.
Still don’t care for Edge though.
02.36
Fresh bottle of Ribena (last one, bottle emptied now, dang) and 100g of Morrisons Value Plain Chocolate. King of snacks.
02.37
Battle Royal highlights, no Bad News Brown, disappointing.
02.38
Diva Ten Lady Tag Match. This will surely be dull.
Stream has gone onto Babestation. Amazing.
Stream has put on Haye/Ruiz promo instead, Babestation was better.
02.41
Back to ‘Mania. Gutted. I’ve no idea who any of these women are.
A Fameasser type thing and a cool DDT by the women, not bad.
Guerrero just done a jump onto her feet then land on the woman from the top rope! Bizarre.
02.45
That was short. Thanks.
Guerrero did a nice point to the sky when on the top rope for Eddy, lovely touch. I miss Eddy.
02.46
Cena/Batista promo. Meh. So little interest. Batista needs to be a Deacon again. I do actually like Cena, I really believe he loves wrestling. I know it’s cheesy but he seems pretty genuine.
02.52
Bad ass entrance from Cena, Armed Forces ushering him out. Nice.
02.56
Match to start, I didn’t even realise Batista was champion. I can see Cena winning it.
Baffling that these two have had FOURTEEN titles between them. It seems to mean nothing nowadays. When people like Dibiase, Hennig, Andre The Giant and Owen Hart never had a single title reign. Quite sad really.
03.04
Pretty solid match, awesome Spinebuster by Batista. Cena then counter into the STF, rope break splits it up.
Superplex teased. Bailed.
Cena with a Five Knuckle Shuffle from the top rope. That’s a wrestling move/punch, not a wank.
POWER BOMB (Batista Bobm) by Batista. Kick out by Cena!
FU by Cena! KICK OUT! (When did the FU become The Attitude Adjustment?)
Cena from the top rope, countered by Batista! (Apparently how Cena broke his neck at SS08, by Batista). Batista goes for another power bomb, countered into the STF! Batista taps!
Cena Wins!
03.10
That was really enjoyable. Well fought match.
Apparently the STF used to be called the STFU, both that and FU had their names changed due to becoming PG. What a joke.
03.13
Taker/HBK next, should be fantastic.
Extreme Rules promo. Seems a bit pointless if there is this PG stuff now.
Taker promo, great to see Bundy and Giant Gonzalez. Wrestling used to be so good.
HBK stuff was gold, without any doubt, the best of all time. Wonderful talent.03.17
HBK entrance. Standard.
03.20
Undertaker entrance. Standard Taker fare. I love that he still comes from Death Valley. Parts Unknown > Death Valley.
03.24
Just over four minutes of entrance, a lot shorter than I expected.
03.25
LET’S GET IT ON. Michaels did a Benoit throat cutting gesture. Unusual.
03.26
Energetic start, great boot to the head by Taker. Taker goes Old School early. Taker seemed to fuck his knee on landing, clearly a work though.
03.28
I love the streak talk, comparing it to real sporting streaks. Hilarious.
03.31
Figure Four by Michaels. Would love to see Taker tap, I know he won’t, but it’d be fantastic. REVERSAL.
03.32
The crowd are dead. Despressing.
03.33
KIP UP by Michaels, Chokeslam by Taker! 1,2, kickout!
Tombstone reversed into the Ankle Lock. Go on HBK!
TOMBSTONE OUTSIDE THE RING by Taker. Awesome. Rolls Michaels into the ring, 1,2, KICK OUT. Get in HBK.
Taker hits the Last Ride but his knee buckled a bit, Michaels covers, 1, 2 Kickout!
Michaels goes for the flying elbow! Taker raises the knees. Classic Mania.
Hells Gate (No idea what this is, looks like a triangle hold), countered by HBK, apparently the first counter of it ever.
03.39
SWEET CHIN MUSIC! 1, 2 KICKOUT. Music came from nowhere.
Michaels is tuning up the band. Come on HBK! BLOCKED. Last Ride, hit! 1, 2 KICK OUT! Near fall-mania!
Taker throws Michaels outside, then removes the cover from the announcers table. I see a Last Ride reversal.
Last Ride reversed into a Sweet Chin Music! FLYING ELBOW coming through the table, hopefully!
HOLY SHIT! Michaels MOONSAULT from the top rope to Taker on the announce table. AWESOME SPOT.
03.43
Seriously classic Mania moment, that was perfect.
SWEET CHIN MUSIC. 1, 2 KICK OUT. My word. What’s next?
Band being warmed up again, blocked, chokeslam! Taker too knackered to go for the cover.
03.48
TOMBSTONE by Taker. Arms crossed. 1, 2 KICK OUT, AGAIN. Taker looks manic.
03.50
Taker goe to cross his throat, cancels, tells MIchaels to stay down. Michaels gets up, crosses his throat, punches Taker. TOMBSTONE, AGAIN. Taker covers for the win.
Michaels career is over, apparently. Heartbreaking.
03.52
Taker music plays. 18-0 is shown. Taker helps Michaels up. Mitts are shaken, hugs between the two. Great ending to it The crowd are finally alive, to chant for HBK.
HBK  thanks the crowd, looks very emotional, drops to his knees (similar to WM12) and points to the sky. Great scenes.
Walks up the aisle, shaking hands, drops to his knees at the end again, and again points to the sky. Very emotional. Legend.
He also said something as he walked up, I think he said he’d not seen his kid in three weeks, or something. Bit unusual.
03.57
Mania is over! I enjoyed it, I wish I knew more about who is who nowadays, but as a way to spend a few hours it was great, HBK/Taker was the match of the night. The moonsault was the best moment of the night. Wonderful.
Michaels is the best ever. I hope he enjoys his time off, he’ll be back soon enough.